Susie is honored at the Friars Club.
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
I just broke up
with someone.
Paul Simon!
That was two tiny
singer-songwriters ago.
Catch up!
- Prince!
- Hall & Oates!
Oh. Now, stop.
This was a woman.
Don't.
And it was a real partnership.
Lasted longer than
any of my marriages combined.
And in its way, it was just like a marriage.
It started with a contract,
it ended with a lawsuit,
and we never had sex.
Except once, there really isn't
much to do in Pensacola.
It really sucks
to break up with me.
No, seriously,
my face is on billboards.
You break up
with a normal person,
maybe you can't go back
to your favorite restaurant.
You break up with me,
you can't use the highway.
She was a friend.
We always fought
over that word, "friend."
But I dumped her
and got a fifth dog.
Still a bitch, but at least
this one'll fetch my shoes.
♪ I got frostbitten
in the winter ♪
♪ Ice skating on the river ♪
She's not gonna be happy.
♪ With my pretty
little black-eyed girl ♪
♪ She'd make your darn toes curl
just to see her, yeah ♪
♪ I got a fringe front
on my buggy ♪
♪ I got a pretty little...
Betty Botter bought some butter,
but she said
the butter's bitter.
Betty Botter bought some butter,
but she said
the butter's bitter.
Sounds bueno, boys.
Steve Martin is my favorite.
"Excuuuuse me!"
George Carlin, with the seven
dirty words? Really funny.
Robin Williams, too.
Like the Tasmanian Devil.
Who the hell is this?
No idea.
♪ Living with her funky family ♪
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
♪ Down by the river...
Put 'em up.
♪ In the moonshine ♪
Fifty bucks she doesn't show.
She doesn't show, f*ck it.
I'm mentioning Maisel.
So fearless, dude.
♪ Well, she knows
how to use me ♪
♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie...
It's a veritable who's who
of people behind the scenes
in the entertainment industry
gathering here
to roast one of their own.
♪ Living with her funky family ♪
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
♪ Down by the river...
Move!
♪ In the moonshine ♪
♪ Well, she sure knows how to use me ♪
♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie ♪
It's the one shot
we came here to get.
Great job, guys.
♪ In a derelict old alley ♪
♪ Down by the river ♪
♪ Where we share
a little loving ♪
♪ In the moonshine ♪ ♪
So, we have
some unfortunate news, everyone.
Susie has arrived.
- Hello, Susie.
- This is f*cking dumb.
Good to see you, too.
Now, you all know me
and wish you were me.
I'm Stewart Jones,
your unwilling emcee
for this evening.
So, when we first approached
Susie Myerson about a roast,
she instructed us to position
our heads in a place
that seemed ill-advised,
claustrophobic,
and biologically impossible.
Try harder. I believe in you.
Then we offered to make it
a testimonial dinner,
and she replied,
"No, thanks, those are for old
hags with shriveled puss*es."
Enjoy the veal.
So, we negotiated with her,
and if you've never
done that before,
I highly don't recommend it.
And she agreed to
a "Testi-Roastial."
Trips off the tongue, huh?
So, here she is, an hour late
and smelling
like Cheech and Chong.
Hell, she's burned more grass
than the Santa Ana winds.
If only she'd made
as much money for her clients
as she has
for Visine and Doritos.
- Her big break came...
- Bring me some food.
...when she discovered
the comedian
whose name
we shall not utter tonight
at the long-defunct Gaslight Café on MacDougal.
I need a plate, guys.
Heavy on the meat,
light on the vegetables.
Dinner service is over.
I need a plate. Now.
Who's the asshole who wants
dinner after dinner?
Any of you negotiating
with Susie
on the other side
of a telephone,
or... God forbid... in person,
knows she's one of
the consummate dealmakers
in the business.
And most of you know about
that day in 1970.
Greatest goddamn day ever.
The day of the legendary
triple crown.
Susie had a movie script.
It was controversial and no one
in town wanted to touch it.
So, Sol, this film,
it's gonna be shot
on locations all over the city...
Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn.
Friedkin's got
a real vision for it.
I hear he's a hothead.
Yeah, well,
maybe you need a hothead
for something like
The French Connection.
- Tee off, Tommy.
- Paul Newman passed.
Steve McQueen passed.
James Caan passed.
We got Gene Hackman.
You're gonna argue
with Gene Hackman?
He's f*cking brilliant.
It's a slam dunk.
- Sol, come on.
- This is not going to happen.
Okay? Now, stop.
Just tee off, Tommy.
Most would give up
to fight another day,
but not Susie.
No f*cking way
is she leaving empty-handed.
After all,
she paid for parking.
No. No way.
I like the Dodgers.
I got 'em
for the pennant and the series.
Hey, Sol, what do you think?
To this day,
no one knows
what she said to him.
What the hell?
Whether it was just her passion
for the screenplay,
or a promise
to control the budget,
or, hell, she could've had
pictures of him
rogering a donkey or something.
Who knows?
She had eyes everywhere.
- Whatever she said...
- The picture's a go.
- What?
- Close the deal by the end of day.
Susie will give you the terms.
- Whatever you need.
- But, Sol...
Just make it happen.
...Boom, deal one, done.
But she ain't finished.
♪ That ain't the way
to have fun, son...
Now, the foursome
in front of them is going slow,
so Susie and her guys
bump into 'em.
One of them is the guy who just
took over programming for CBS.
Cameron! Hey there.
Congrats on the shiny new job.
Thank you, Susie.
Like a showbiz cobra,
she strikes immediately.
Says she has a project,
wants him to have first crack.
It's a half-hour comedy,
it's hysterical,
and it'll launch
your Thursday nights.
Susie, please,
we're trying to relax.
Call my office on Monday.
She's not waiting
for Monday.
I got two clients
already attached.
Liz Montgomery and Andy Griffith
both signed to do it,
- and to do it at CBS.
- Great pairing. What's the premise?
- Get this.
- Get this,
there was no premise.
She was making it up
on the spot.
There's a husband and wife,
both shrinks.
Now, she's big city, sharp,
Ivy League degree.
He's folksy, homespun,
comes from the Deep South.
- Their patients keep dumping one to go to the other.
- I love that.
So, what does she do
on the fly?
She creates That's Our Time.
He picks it up on the spot,
and the f*cking thing
runs seven years.
- They got a couple of kids...
- And here's the thing.
Those stars she mentioned,
they weren't even her clients.
Not until they found out
about the sitcom she created
and got greenlit
for them to star in.
They signed with her
immediately.
...vacuuming their house, too.
- Vacuuming? I love it.
- Yeah.
Boom! Deal two, done.
But she still had 40 minutes
left on that parking.
Susie says
she has to hit the head.
- What else? What else?
- Uh, there's this guy from a big record label.
Turns out she's got every caddy
at the club on her payroll,
and they fill her in
on what they know
from every hole on the course.
Okay. Good job, guys.
She finds out there's a guy
there from A&M records.
She finds him pronto.
She tells the guy
there's a couple of songwriters
out of London,
they wrote this musical,
and they want to make an album
to get some attention.
It's the whole story,
soup to nuts,
all the way
through the crucifixion.
- The 39 lashes and everything.
- Wild.
Yeah,
the songs are f*cking catchy.
- You hear those demos, you'll want to make the album.
- What's their names?
And just like that,
she breaks Tim Rice
and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
And what does the world get?
Boom! The triple crown.
- You want some blow?
- No, I'm good.
This next guest needs
no introduction,
which is good, because
I forgot his f*cking name.
Oh, yeah, Aaron Lebowitz.
Come on up here, Aaron.
Hello, everybody.
As most of you know,
I'm a manager,
and I've been competing
with Susie
for more years than I can count.
And I have to admit,
there's nobody in this business
like Susie.
Oh, sorry, I misread that.
It's "nobody in this business
likes Susie."
I mean, really, what is there to say
about Susie Myerson that
hasn't been said about Pol Pot?
Susie's like anybody else, really.
She has her bad side
and her good side.
There's the ruthlessness,
the vindictiveness,
the profane bile
that spews from her mouth
like Satan's lava.
Then, on the bad side...
She was mentored
by my one-time boss,
the late, great Harry Drake.
Yeah, that's about
the response I expected.
When Harry died, he had
so many knives in his back,
they had to bury him facedown.
But Harry truly respected Susie,
even before she was somebody.
While they had
their ups and downs,
Susie stayed loyal
when others didn't.
Everybody knows
the old man's losing it.
Clients are dropping him
left and right.
Spencer Tracy's the latest.
Not that anyone gives a sh*t
about Spencer Tracy.
You want another drink?
- You're paying.
- Two more.
I wanted in
on Dr. Strangelove.
Harry tells me they're giving it
to George C. Scott.
George is good,
but f*ck it, I'm better.
- Yup.
- What does Harry do for me, anyway?
Except take his cut.
I want you to represent me.
No more losing parts to George
or Tony Perkins
or f*cking Richard Burton.
In two years' time,
here's what I want.
A penthouse with a terrace
overlooking the park.
A closet full of
Sy Devore suits.
Porsche 911 that I can drive
to my beachfront house
in the Hamptons.
You with me?
Hey, what was that
last film of yours, Taylor?
Daylight Fades?
Yeah. It did okay.
No, it didn't.
And the one before that?
- The Earth Turns.
- So did my stomach when I saw it.
- Hey!
- What did Harry Drake do for you, Taylor?
He took a no-talent,
run-of-the-mill
D-list hack actor who was
number nine on the call sheet
of a f*cking soap opera,
got him jobs he didn't earn,
didn't deserve
and couldn't f*cking pull off.
- Hey, what the f*ck?
- You sit there,
not giving a sh*t
about Spencer Tracy.
You compare yourself to actors
that are way out of your league,
and you think I'd stoop so low
as to work with you
and f*ck over Harry Drake
to boot?
Well, I hope you got something
to fall back on, asshole,
'cause the only house
in the Hamptons you're gonna see
is the one with
the pool you're cleaning,
and the only terrace
you're gonna know
is the one you jump off of.
You pay for the drinks,
you talentless sh*t.
Yeah,
she had Harry's back.
Dumb f*ck.
And at the end,
Harry wound up handing
his biggest money earners
over to her,
the ones who stayed,
bypassing his own associates
in the doing.
I was one of those associates.
I liked this story
till you made it about you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How the hell did that happen?
Seriously, how the hell did
Susie end up with those clients?
Kicked her into
the stratosphere.
It cemented her legend.
I know what happened.
I'll tell you what happened.
The minute
Harry was hospitalized,
Susie weaseled her way
into his room.
Brought forged documents over
and forced the old man
to sign 'em.
Wakey, wakey, Harry.
You got three more to sign,
then you can shuffle off
to Buffalo.
She didn't even
let his family in...
- his daughter, no one.
- Dad. - Grandpa.
- Is that Ruth?
- No. Keep signing.
Dad, let us in, please.
- Keep signing, Harry.
- That's my father.
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I heard.
- What did you hear?
- The daughter was there
but for a different reason.
Susie got to the daughter,
made a deal, and together,
they bamboozled Harry
- into signing over his clients.
- Good job, Dad.
- All done.
- The daughter got paid in cash
- right there in the room.
- Bullsh*t, guys.
Come on.
My big sister was a nurse
at Lenox Hill.
She was on duty that night.
She saw it all.
Hello, Harry.
Just checking in here.
Everything good?
Very good.
Thank you, Linda.
- You're sweet.
- So are you.
Get some rest.
- She's cute.
- Oh, stop.
I think she got something
happening for me down there.
Check and see?
You want me to see if you have
an erection? You are sick.
- You're a sick man.
- Yup, I'm sick.
I am sick.
Hey, stop that. Okay?
You promised.
Most of his employees
had abandoned ship.
The ones that stayed
were stealing
the goddamn paintings
off the walls.
Harry, where's your daughter?
Where's Ruth?
I don't know. She's, uh...
I don't know.
Hey, have you learned
to play golf yet?
I'm not learning to play golf.
It's where deals get made.
You have to golf.
- I don't know.
- I'm gonna leave you my clubs.
- I don't want your clubs.
- Golf with them,
beat someone with them,
I don't care.
You're taking my clubs.
- Hi, Harry.
- Oh, hello.
Oh, goody, we just got
that thing deflated.
They never beat
the silents.
Oh, now, come on.
No. Nobody beat Keaton.
Not at his peak.
Hell, he was 25
when he made this.
He was a genius.
This is funny,
but there's funnier stuff.
I'm on my deathbed,
and you're arguing with me?
- This is not your deathbed.
- Susie...
- I'm dying.
- Yeah, I know that.
I meant I'm gonna move you
over to another bed
when you're about to croak.
This one's all gross and sweaty.
Harry, you're the only one
who noticed me
when no one else did.
Thank you for that.
Listen...
I'm signing some clients
over to you.
The big ones who stayed:
Jerry, Mel,
- Peter, Lucy.
- Harry, no.
I've discussed it with them,
and they're good to go.
Just keep 'em on a path,
like you did with Midge.
Keep 'em focused.
Keep 'em happy.
But why? Why me?
You're the only one I trust.
- No. No.
- The lawyers are into it.
You can do it.
You can do it, Susie.
We're, uh, missing the movie.
We're missing the movie.
He's comfortable.
Ruth?
I'm here, Dad.
- sh*t.
- sh*t.
Sad.
It's not what I heard.
Okay, let me bring up
a very funny man,
the funniest man in the room,
which is saying nothing.
Ray Ortiz!
Thank you, and hello, Susie.
You know, the only reason
Susie's here right now
is because she heard
there are two-to-one odds
she'd even show up.
I'm not saying
she has a gambling problem,
but she made a call
to her bookie
halfway through Field of Dreams.
I mean,
when she plays solitaire,
she bets against herself.
She once tried to go double
or nothing at an IRS audit.
When I introduced Susie
to my twin daughters,
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em!"
And then there's the boys.
You know what I mean,
"the boys," huh?
And where there's the boys,
there's Susie,
begging them to let her keep
her pinky finger one more day.
But really,
these are just rumors.
Rumors? Ha!
The mob had their hands
in her pockets since day one,
just like Harry Drake,
just like all of 'em.
Yeah, like I was gonna say that
to the room.
I prefer being alive.
But Susie leaned into it,
more than others.
It started with that thing
with Dinah Rutledge.
- You all know her, right?
- Mm-hmm. Sure. - D-Ruttles.
- Susie's number two.
- She runs the New York branch.
She runs New York, period. She's tough as Susie.
- I'll say.
It was 1961, '62,
that's when Susie went all in,
made those guys her muscle.
Hey, get me in
at the Copa tonight.
In the way back,
not like last time.
I looked like an asshole
walking out in the middle
of that guy's act.
And let's start rolling calls.
- Guys from William Morris first.
- Yup.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Dinah.
Ow.
What the f*ck?
How did this happen?
And do not tell me
it was a f*cking doorknob.
It was Ronald.
He got drunk, he got mad,
he got jealous.
- Dinah.
- I kicked him out. We're done.
You bet your ass you're done.
Look, you are gonna be
a manager one day,
so I got to keep you
in one piece.
But I'll make you a deal, okay?
From here on,
I get prior approval
over any guy you date.
Stop it, it hurts to smile.
No, he's got to come in here,
fill out a questionnaire.
It'll be quite lengthy,
50, 60 pages.
And then I want to see him
in a bathing suit.
A tight one. I want you to see
what you're getting.
Whatever you say,
boss.
Okay, go home. Rest.
Take a taxi,
not the subway.
Thanks.
And I'm sending over
a massive amount of Zabar's.
Lots of chicken soup and babka.
- And candied fruit?
- And candied fruit.
Now go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, you think
that was the end of it?
Hell no.
- Now I need a favor.
- Sure. What is it?
♪ How lucky can one guy be...
- Yeah?
- Your name Ronald?
- Yeah. Who the f*ck are you?
- Who the f*ck are we?
We're friends of Susie Myerson.
♪ Like the fella once said ♪
- ♪ Ain't that a kick in the head...
- No! No!
They were old-school, those guys. Thorough.
And they still own a piece
of every client Susie has.
Every client except Maisel.
Yeah,
how'd that happen?
You said they were there
from the start.
- Yeah, why not Maisel?
- Mm-hmm.
I know,
and I'm gonna tell you
right after I take a piss.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Carmine.
Carmine, finish the story.
Let's bring up
our next speaker.
You know him.
You're jealous of him.
He's an Oscar-nominated
producer, three times over,
an Emmy award-winning
television genius.
Legendary executive producer
of The Gordon Ford Show,
Mike Carr!
Hello, all.
- Hello, Susie.
- Mm-hmm.
I still owe you that lunch,
don't I?
I'll take the cash equivalent.
So, who is Susie Myerson?
She's the only person in America
whose life was made better
by Arthur 2.
She's the only woman
who ever told Tom Cruise
that he's "unf*ckably short."
And she's the only person I know
who would get into
a screaming fight
with Sidney Lumet
at Anne Bancroft's
birthday party.
Susie and I met on Gordon Ford.
And just a quick side note about
someone I worked with closely
for a number of years there.
It is the ten-year anniversary
of the passing
of my old boss and mentor
at Gordon Ford, George Toledano.
A lot of you knew him.
A lot of you venerated him.
He was a good man
who never really got his due,
and I miss him
every single day.
Bull. sh*t.
Mikey hated George
with a passion.
But George was Gordon's guy.
Georgie made Gordon.
Hell, when George found him,
Gordon was doing
traffic and weather
in some bumf*ck town.
- His sidekick was a chicken.
- Mr. co*ck-a-doodle-doo.
That's not even
a chicken sound.
That's how lame it was.
But George saw something in him,
put him on the fast track.
Hell, everyone thought
the only way George
would leave Gordon's side
was in a coffin.
- So, what happened?
- Susie happened.
- Oh, yeah.
- What? - I know this story.
- I do, too.
- Okay, but I'm telling it.
Mike was the talent booker.
He and Susie started getting
all buddy-buddy.
Another odd couple,
like her and Harry.
No, you know how you say
a word too many times,
it stops sounding like a word?
Well, there's a word for that.
- What's the word?
- I can't remember the word.
Cess, you went to Harvard.
What's the word?
I don't know.
I didn't major in words.
- It's gonna bug me.
- She's doing the tennis pro.
- Get out.
- People say.
Was it legit camaraderie
or just Susie
working some angle?
Either way,
the angle presented itself.
Hey, Mike.
Who made that dumb rule
that anyone who works on
the show can't be on the show?
It's George.
George made the rule about
no one working on the show
appearing on the show.
It's some dumb
superstition of his
dating back to, I don't know,
when he was a boy in Pompeii.
Gordon follows it 'cause...
I don't know.
I don't know anything.
George, huh?
Semantic satiation!
That's two words.
Susie didn't
like George either.
Even before she became
the great Susie Myerson,
- small slights cut deep.
- Good morning.
Hi, George.
You remember Susie.
I don't believe we've met.
Oh, you've definitely met.
- Have we?
- Only like half a dozen times.
- Well, then... good to see you.
- Mm.
One thing
Susie never liked
- was not being remembered.
- Pleasure's mine.
That man was in her sights.
One night, there's
a staff party in the studio.
Their 500th show,
some sh*t like that.
The booze is free,
so of course Susie's there.
She gets bored,
she starts wandering around.
Don't push me like this, George!
Just get it the f*ck done, Mike,
or I'll find somebody who can.
Susie's super curious,
so she goes after Mike.
He treats me like
I'm the f*cking receptionist.
Demeans me in front of the staff
every chance he gets.
- Mike's had it.
- I've f*cking had it.
- Does Gordon know that?
- Oh, he knows.
He's dangled me
producing shows for him
when his network deal closes,
but guess what.
- They can't make a deal.
- What? Why?
Gordon's number one.
What's the holdup?
I'd put f*cking money on George
Toledano being the holdup.
Susie had invested
a lot of time in Mike Carr,
and she did not want him
to leave.
- George, huh?
- He could decide to, I don't know,
go into his father-in-law's
f*cking plumbing business,
and what good would that
do Susie?
She had a plumber, so
she decided to do some snooping.
Have you gone through his stuff?
Whose stuff?
You can't do this.
Sure I can. Just watch.
There's security guards
that walk the floor.
They're all at the party.
Eh, bullsh*t,
bullsh*t, bullsh*t.
Ooh. Why does he have
rubber gloves?
I don't know,
maybe to go through my stuff.
Locked drawer.
These douchebags
that never open letters,
but they all have
letter openers.
I truly despise that.
Okay, I can't be here.
Goodbye.
She's either the best
snoop in the business
or the luckiest son of a bitch
who ever walked the planet.
The gun was smoking
like a three-alarm fire,
and Mikey's life
was about to change.
And as for George...
Dorie, is it possible
you're more beautiful today
than yesterday?
I did change my lashes.
How's the best writing staff
in the business?
Nice suit, George.
Oh, you look trim, Freddie.
What's your secret?
Grapefruit, George.
Alan?
The poor bastard
never saw it coming.
Gordon would like you
and your personal effects
gone within the hour.
Turns out
George was single-handedly
holding up Gordon's contract.
George wanted
his mortgage paid off,
a new boat,
a f*cking horse farm,
a house for a "friend."
When Gordon heard,
he blew his stack
and Mikey got the job.
Hey, Dinah!
This one just winked at me.
Pigeons don't wink.
It blinked.
It f*cking winked,
I'm telling you.
Good God, that amuses me.
Why does that amuse me so much?
It's because
you're easily amused.
It was all in a day's
work for Susie Myerson.
Goddamn, I love these things.
So, Susie,
my old friend.
Old, old friend.
You're very old.
I'll leave you with this.
Okay.
- Yeah, Susie!
- Okay, okay.
You've taken your piss,
my brother, now talk.
Yeah, come on, spill.
How did Midge Maisel get out
from under the mob?
All right, so you know about
Midge's first husband, right?
The man who gave her the Maisel?
Well, I have worked
for Joel Maisel,
and he is one tough
son of a bitch,
- let me tell you.
- He just got out of the clink, right?
Yeah, he got caught up in that
big FBI sweep a few years back.
- Blame Susie for that, too.
- Jesus. - No.
Yeah. Now, the mob had
sunk their teeth into Susie
from the start,
so they owned Midge lock,
stock and barrel, and
Joel Maisel wasn't having it.
He's in your office.
Goddamn it.
He'd just busted in,
demanded to know what they were
getting of his ex-wife's.
- Are you f*cking crazy?
- Where are they?
- Where's what?
- Your books.
My accountant has 'em.
Not those books.
These books.
You know, there are laws
against breaking and entering.
Asshole. Asshole!
It was all there
in black and white.
For every 100 bucks Midge made,
Susie got 15
and the mob got 30.
- I told you not to call the cops.
- I didn't.
This is my cousin Dougie,
he was meeting me for lunch.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
sh*t.
Guys, wait. Hold up.
- So, you know this man?
- Yes.
- Do you want to press charges?
- No.
It's a misunderstanding.
Care to explain
the misunderstanding?
Nope. Just let him go.
Leave the premises.
- I'll make sure he goes.
- Rain check, Dougie?
Yup.
Joel, listen.
She's gonna make
so much goddam money,
it's not gonna matter.
I will commit my life to her,
everything.
I'm gonna make this happen.
This situation,
it'll be a footnote.
They own her, Susie.
I can fix this.
He knew there was
no fixing it, not for Susie.
So, what does he do?
He walks straight
into the lion's den.
♪ I love
those J-I-N-G-L-E bells ♪
♪ Those holiday J-I-N-G-L-E
bells...
♪ Those happy J-I-N-G-L-E
B-E double-L-S ♪
- ♪ I love those...
- Can we help you?
Frank and Nicky, right?
Yeah?
I'm Joel Maisel.
You got a minute?
Sure.
We'll be right back, guys. Hey.
There's good.
You're Frank?
Yeah. That's Nicky.
You know, my mother actually
named me after St. Nicholas,
'cause I came out fat and jolly.
Plus, my pop got clipped
on Christmas.
My kids are waiting.
What's up?
You can't have Midge.
- What?
- You can't have her.
- You just can't.
- I don't get it.
We don't have Midge.
But you have Susie, right?
We don't talk about our clients.
Look, I'm not a schmuck.
I didn't come here empty-handed.
I've got something to offer
in exchange.
- Really?
- What?
- Me.
- You?
Trying to picture you
in a co*cktail dress.
I've got a place in Chinatown.
A nightclub.
Turns big profits,
it's got lines around the block.
- Chinatown, huh?
- Hmm. Tough market.
I'm f*cking good at this,
this business.
I make money.
And with the right financing,
I could expand quick,
quicker than what I'm doing now.
You guys do financing, right?
Yeah, we do financing.
Then let go of her.
Let her walk away.
Look, Joel, she's starting
to make good money.
She's the mother of my kids,
and I want her clear of this.
You've got kids.
- Give us a minute.
- Sure.
Would you like
a cookie?
I made them myself.
- Which one's the best?
- The star.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
You ever been popped?
- No.
- Good.
The old man liked the idea.
You, as like, a front man.
He's already got ideas
for cities to put clubs in.
Cities we do business in.
Always open to ideas.
So, you'll leave Midge alone?
You got some balls on you, pal,
I'll give you that.
Yeah, we'll leave Midge alone.
Okay.
So, what happens now?
We should get back to the kids.
Happy Hanukkah.
He skirted charges
longer than anybody thought
he could, had good lawyers,
caught some breaks.
But ultimately
they threw the book at him,
hard, brought the whole thing
tumbling down.
He took the full rap.
Protected that partner of his,
Archie Cleary,
made sure he was okay.
He supposedly stashed some money
in Bermuda or somewhere
for when he got out.
Who knows?
And Midge, well,
she never deserted him.
Susie Myerson.
Is she gay, is she straight?
Who can tell?
But I've seen some of the deals she's closed
over the years,
and one group of people
I know she f*cks is her clients.
But, you know,
she just got George Carlin
booked on a children's show.
Yeah.
Next year he's taking over
for Ringo Starr
on Shining Time
co*cksucker sh*t Piss
f*ck c*nt tit* Motherf*cker Station.
So, Susie, you ready
for a special guest?
- No.
- Too bad.
It took three connecting flights
and two B-12 injections
to get our next guest here,
but get her here we did.
Ladies and gentlemen, Susie's
little sister Tessie Myerson.
Yeah.
- Hiya, sis.
- Hello, Tess.
So, so, so,
so, what can I say
about Susie Myerson
that hasn't been said
about Pol Pot?
When I introduced her
to my twin daughters,
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em."
I should've been a comedian.
- That was weird.
- Super weird.
She just did
everybody else's jokes.
Susie is the only person I know
who would get into
a screaming fight
with Sidney Lumet at
Anne Bancroft's birthday party.
- Who is Sidney Lumet?
- Okay, Tessie, wrap it up.
But in all honesty, sis.
I'm thrilled to be here.
You've always
been my rock,
and you've always been
supportive of me.
Happy birthday.
It's not my f*cking birthday.
This woman.
This woman had belief
and passion
for my singing career
when no one else did.
- Oh, boy.
- She is solely responsible
for my smash disco single
"Never Ever Gonna Stop."
It hit number 85
on the Billboard Dance charts,
and it even made it
to number one in Indonesia.
I mean, I didn't even know
Indonesia was real before that,
and now I live there.
It was Susie's idea.
Anyway, I'm gonna liven
this morgue up a bit
and do it for you now.
Hit it.
♪ When I saw you
at the nightclub ♪
♪ You were dancing ♪
And then it just got
f*cking weirder.
♪ Let me rub your face ♪
- ♪ While you shake your hips ♪
- Okay.
♪ I'm just a baby girl
who wants to taste your lips ♪
♪ You say you have to go ♪
♪ But, boy, there's something
you should know ♪
♪ It's that I'm never,
never, ever ♪
♪ Gonna stop loving you,
watching you, following you ♪
♪ Never, never, ever
gonna stop ♪ ♪
Hey, hey, you stopped it
before the best part.
- The sex groaning.
- There we go.
Tessie Myerson, everybody.
- Keep boogying, people.
- Oh, yeah.
Talent sure runs
in the family.
So Susie did that
for her sister?
- That-that was a nice thing?
- No...
- Yes, it was a nice thing.
- She's not a total monster.
Yeah, she was a great manager,
up until she dumped me.
She was great because she'd do
anything for her client.
Do you know the Midge Maisel
Hawaiian wedding story?
- Spill it.
- Let's hear it.
I just hope to God it's true.
Ah...
- You hear that?
- Hear what?
The f*cking ocean.
You can't hear
the f*cking ocean?
Sounds a little like traffic.
Hey, Marcy, get Lucius
back on the line.
And is that a ukulele?
I am so at peace.
Like, for the first time ever.
I'm eating pineapple every day.
I want to buy a house here.
Jesus Christ, you scared me.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
What, zip up?
I'll help you zip up.
Not zip up. I can't do this.
I can't get married.
I'll call you back.
Oh, are you
f*cking kidding?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
It's a mistake. Can't do it.
Miriam, there are 700 people
here to see you get married.
- I know.
- In 20 minutes.
- I know.
- We rented a f*cking island.
Flew people in
from all over the world.
I know, I know.
The Jordan almond budget alone
could finance
a Navy SEAL strike.
I hate Jordan almonds.
You are getting married.
- No.
- Yes.
- No, No!
- Yes. Why?! Why?
I don't love him.
You didn't love
the last guy either.
That didn't stop you.
It's not him.
Philip is great.
He really is, but there's love
and then there's love, you know.
And then there's love.
And I don't have that
right kind of love-love
for him, you know?
I am gonna beat you
with a pineapple.
I know it's crazy,
but I was in my room
and I looked at myself
in this outfit
and I thought,
this is not a good outfit.
- This outfit is a cry for help.
- The pants were surprising.
And the guest list?
This started off
as an intimate wedding.
Thirty people, 50.
Just our closest friends.
Then it just kept expanding
and expanding
till it turned
into this 700-headed monster.
Comedians I barely know,
relatives I have never met.
Four ex-boyfriends.
So many bad vibes.
What was I thinking?
The more the merrier?
He has no sense of humor.
I need a man who
makes me laugh at breakfast,
and he just doesn't
make me laugh.
I hate him for that.
I shouldn't hate him,
but I do.
- I am loving Philip Roth.
- Such a gentleman.
He just gave me a complete set
of his books.
Signed. Terrific guy.
He seems to have it in
for that Norman Mailer fellow,
also very charming.
Are we ready to go?
I think I'm still
in love with Joel.
- What?
- Joel's not funny either.
- What's happening?
- Get this.
She is considering backing out
of the f*cking marriage,
until she comes
to her f*cking senses
and stops looking
for crazy reasons
to back out
of the f*cking marriage.
I'm sorry, I'm still
in love with Joel.
- Joel who?
- Joel Grey?
No, Joel Maisel.
Why would you say Joel Grey?
Because you dated Joel Grey.
You were engaged to Joel Grey
until you called it off.
Because he didn't
make you laugh.
You picking up
on a pattern here?
Philip is a great lover.
- Ew.
- Miriam. - Hey, hey.
I'm sorry, I'm making a mental
pro/con list, and that is a pro.
A big pro. And he's smart.
And he's very easy
to buy shoes for.
Oh, God, I'm running out
of pros.
What about the band?
The band is all set up
and ready to go.
We'll just have to
pay them off.
It's Three Dog Night.
You don't just pay off
Three Dog Night.
And we flew in special
musical guests to join them.
Marvin Gaye, Jim Croce.
- Oh, I love Jim Croce.
- I know.
That's why I f*cking arranged
to surprise you with Jim Croce.
And Grand Funk Railroad.
Grand Funk Railroad?
The hard rock band?
I don't like
Grand Funk Railroad.
- You told me you did.
- I told you I like funk music,
not Grand Funk Railroad.
Well, they're here,
they're high,
and they're ready to play.
We paid for the cake.
Do we get our money back
for the cake?
I can't go through with this.
Sorry, I just can't.
Well, are you gonna
let him know that?
'Cause he thinks he's
getting married in ten minutes.
I can't. I can't be
the one to tell him.
I just can't.
Miriam, I have done a lot
for you over the years.
I jumped onto a subway track
to retrieve your
third-favorite hat.
I came to your apartment at
4:00 a.m. to kill a co*ckroach.
Turned out to be a raisin.
I've euthanized three
of your elderly pets.
I've wrung out your wet bras
on hotel terraces.
I wrestled a Turkish police
officer to the ground,
I kept Ethel Merman
away from you, but this,
this has nothing to do
with your career.
It's your personal life, and
I got to start drawing lines,
and I'm starting today.
I'm sorry, but you get
yourself out of this.
She needs someone
to laugh with, Philip,
and you just don't
make her laugh.
Yes, I-I've read Portnoy's Complaint.
It's very funny.
You just don't make her laugh
at the breakfast table.
That's the bottom line.
Then you should have read
Portnoy's Complaint aloud
at the f*cking breakfast table,
I don't know.
Here's the thing. She likes
funk, not Grand Funk.
Really, this is your fault
because you picked the name,
it's very confusing.
It was a very expensive cake.
My girl's on the phone
with the cake place now.
It was a very expensive cake.
Maybe they can resell it.
It was a very expensive cake.
I will get you
your money back, I promise.
It took her weeks
to undo the mess,
and the whole thing cost her
a bloody fortune.
The cake was quite pricey.
Yeah.
She couldn't
resist Midge,
especially when she was
vulnerable.
See, Midge drove herself hard,
and Susie knew it.
She was a perfectionist and took
a lot of risks onstage.
- There's got to be something...
- And, sh*t, most of 'em paid off.
The cake is customized.
It's a specific flavor...
Susie always had
a tremendous amount
of respect for her.
A loyalty that couldn't
be shaken.
But it was more than that.
Really, in a way,
it was love.
But you don't have
to throw it out.
You can donate it to a charity.
And in succeeding years,
three of Philip Roth's
most loathsome characters
were based directly on Susie.
Hawaii f*cking sucks.
So what happened?
Anyone know?
- What happened with what?
- Between Midge and Susie.
They were inseparable.
What the f*ck happened?
Lost in the fog of war.
- I don't think anyone knows.
- Anyone alive, at least.
I do.
Susie told me one night
when she was drunk.
A year later,
Midge told me the story
one night when she was drunk.
- Well?
- Did the stories even match?
Some things did, some didn't.
But I think I got the gist.
And where it all happened,
holy sh*t.
♪ Da'amiran be'almah ♪
♪ Ve'imru ♪
♪ Amen ♪ ♪
We begin with the silent
Amidah,
which can be found
on page 382.
Little cutie.
I couldn't resist.
- Does Chava scare you, too?
- Huh?
Corporal Chava, does she
scare the sh*t out of you?
'Cause I think one of these days
you're gonna find my body
in a date tree.
Hey, you okay?
It's just really warm in here.
And Chava's terrifying.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
may we help you?
FBI, Rabbi.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
What? Why?
I had no idea they'd come here.
Papa, what's happening?
What has
your godless mother done now?
Damn it, Chava, I understand
a decent amount of Hebrew.
- Joel, what is going on?
- They're here for me.
- For you? Why?
- Read this.
- It's everything you should know.
- Joel.
- You're looking for me. I'm Joel Maisel.
- Papa.
Hands behind your back, please.
I truly hate New York.
Mr. Maisel, you're under arrest.
What?! No,
this-this is a mistake.
You have the right
to remain silent...
- It's not.
- Joel, what happened?
- Read the letter.
- You have the right to an attorney.
I have a criminal attorney.
Why do you have
a criminal attorney?
- Let's go.
- Joel?!
You rang?
Pretty dramatic place to meet.
Where is everybody?
Where's the family?
Miriam?
Joel's been arrested.
- What? When?
- About an hour ago.
Right in the middle
of services.
Holy sh*t. For what?
- Oh, I think you know.
- No, I don't.
Racketeering, wire fraud,
money laundering.
Jesus, that's...
that's terrible.
Yes, it is.
What?
He did this for me.
For you?
What are you talking about?
You sold me to Frank and Nicky.
- You sold me to the mob.
- I did not.
And Joel made a trade years ago.
Him for me. It's all here.
- Miriam...
- He'll be in jail for years, Susie.
Now, wait a minute.
You knew I was involved
with those guys.
You knew Frank and Nicky.
But you told me
I was free of them,
and I wasn't, not until Joel
did what he did.
Okay, news flash.
This is show business, lady.
- You lied to me.
- That's show business, too.
Don't talk down to me.
When you and I started,
those guys owned everyone.
Everyone who had no one
looking out for them.
Oh, now don't talk down to me.
Who owns you now, Susie, today?
Who owns me? I own myself.
- That's not what people tell me.
- What people?
They say all these casinos
you've been booking me in
is to pay off
your goddamn gambling debts.
Oh, so let me get this straight.
You're saying you hate
those big casino paychecks?
Huh? The suites
with the private pools,
that's making you feel owned?
I didn't want to do
those casino gigs, Susie,
- but you kept pushing and pushing.
- Not true!
I've been on the road
for 15 years, I needed a break.
And you slammed me
into three shows a night,
six nights a week.
Christmas off, Thanksgiving off,
Hanukkah off!
No one gets f*cking
Hanukkah off.
Jackie Mason doesn't
get Hanukkah off.
How much do you owe
Caesars, Susie? Harrah's?
- Hold on.
- The Flamingo?
- The Sands?
- Who are these people telling you all of this?
I want names.
Why, so you can blackball them?
- Or worse?
- Or worse?
Miriam, you know me.
You know who I am.
Do I?
Twenty-five years you've
known me. We're friends.
Friends?
Boy, that's convenient.
The first time
you call me a friend
is when you're caught.
My team's gonna order
an audit of your books.
- An audit?
- I hope you don't fight them.
You used to trust me.
You sound
like George Toledano now.
In fact, this is exactly
what he did to Gordon.
Made deals behind his back.
It's what got him fired.
You're comparing me
to George Toledano?
f*ck you!
You are a star because of me.
Or in spite of you.
You were a housewife.
You were nothing.
You should leave.
I'm not leaving.
Al is right outside the door.
Oh, you're gonna have
your security
escort me out of the building?
Are you f*cking kidding me?!
Fine. I got what
I needed out of you.
Wish I could say the same.
You ungrateful c*nt.
This is how I'm gonna
remember you, Susie.
Small.
Well, it's that time
nobody's been waiting for.
Buckle up, because I bring you
our guest of honor...
and she's not here.
What the hell?
I thought we locked the doors.
♪ Around the world ♪
♪ The trip begins
with a kiss...
I bowl with the gals
from The B-52's.
I'm gonna tell them
to book you in their next video.
You're phenomenal.
- You're up, boss.
- Christ on the cross, all right.
Adios, amigos.
♪ Without wings,
without wheels ♪ ♪
Susie, good.
Hope everything came out okay.
Our guest of honor, everyone,
Susie Myerson.
Wow. Over 30 years
in the business,
and this is who shows up
to celebrate me.
It's a real who's who of who gives a f*ck.
I mean, I haven't been
this uninterested
in what a group of people
had to say since that time
I went to an AA meeting.
Now, what's there to say
about Aaron Lebowitz?
This man has a roster
of some of the best comics
that I dropped five years ago.
They're funnier than that joke.
Face it, you are
the Jim Belushi of managers
who couldn't even sign
Jim Belushi.
And Carmine, wow.
I will say this.
You have one of the most
unique acts in comedy.
Unfortunately
it's Sam Kinison's.
Before I got up here,
I found out
this isn't a paid gig
for any of you,
which means my ass
isn't getting paid either,
so I'll make it f*cking brief.
I'm supposed to say
something sincere now, yeah?
Okay. Uh, you know,
this is the only business
that would ever put up
with a bitch like me.
Suckers!
Always an inspiration.
Thank you, Susie.
- You get the cream puffs?
- Right here.
Get my car.
Now hold it right there,
young lady.
We got one more thing
to throw at you.
Ah, f*ck me with a fork.
We have a special
video tribute. Fun, huh?
You'll like this.
Lower the screen, guys.
Okay, what's the rush?
Do we or do we not have
the latest
in cutting-edge
technology, people?
Come on, come on.
Dim the lights, guys.
- f*ckity-f*ck.
- What the hell is this?
Forget the tripod,
you're not making Citizen Kane.
No. No way in hell.
Okay. While my friend
Imogene performs
variations on scenes
from Chinatown,
let me proceed.
So, hey there.
Have you had fun trying to avoid saying my name all night?
Hope none of you had
the breaded shrimp.
They've been in the freezer
since the last time
Jerry Lewis was funny.
You know, I thought about making a sex tape
just to crank this party
up a notch,
but I was afraid it would get laughs.
I'm sorry I couldn't
be there in person tonight,
although I dressed
for the occasion.
I'm actually in New Mexico.
- Kansas.
- Kansas. Sorry.
I was wondering why New Mexico had a Wizard of Oz museum.
Now, a lot of you have said
a lot of appropriately
inappropriate things
about Susie Myerson tonight,
most of which
is probably earned
and half of which is
probably true,
so you've got that covered.
What I'm here to say
is that Susie made me
what I am today.
She saw a nervous breakdown
and turned it into a career.
No, a life.
I don't know if I ever
really thanked you
for that, Susie.
Don't get me wrong,
we had our spats.
Oh, many, many spats.
And one really big one
towards the end.
But we had our good times, too.
I've gotten to hang out with
some of the funniest people
on the planet, but no one's
made me laugh like Susie.
Aw.
I've gotten
a little nostalgic lately
thinking about those years.
Remember the plunger?
Do you have that still?
And the arthritis telethon
and hiding from Sophie Lennon.
"Doink"? Remember "doink"?
And the smell of the Gaslight.
Jackie.
I was thinking about Jackie
the other day.
I still miss that weirdo.
What do you say...
What do you say
we get together
next time I'm back in town?
We'll meet on neutral turf,
anywhere you want.
Anywhere but a synagogue.
The Jews have suffered enough.
I hope you want to do that,
and soon, 'cause
we are not getting any younger.
So...
tit* up, old friend.
- Aw.
- tit* up.
And I hope to see you soon.
You got to turn off the camera.
I can't find
the button.
It's the same button
you pushed to turn it on.
f*ckity-f*ck.
Right there.
It's the little red...
How's that for a finale, people?
- Get me a number for Midge.
- Her girl just called it in.
Car's all ready.
Thank you all
for coming.
Oh, and no one gets out
without pitching in
at least a hundred bucks
to the Jackie Dellapietra
Foundation.
At least.
Think I'm gonna
walk home, Dennis.
Nice night for it, ma'am.
Yeah. Nice night.
♪ The words I have to say ♪
♪ May well be simple,
but they're true ♪
♪ Until you give your love ♪
♪ There's nothing more
that we can do ♪
♪ Love is the opening door ♪
♪ Love is what
we came here for ♪
♪ No one could offer you more ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
♪ You say it's very hard ♪
♪ To leave behind
the life we knew ♪
♪ But there's no other way ♪
♪ And now it's really
up to you ♪
♪ Love is the key
we must turn ♪
♪ Truth is the flame
we must burn ♪
♪ Freedom the lesson
we must learn ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
♪ Love is the opening door ♪
♪ Love is what we
came here for ♪
♪ No one could offer you more ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪
♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪
♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ ♪
